I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
