what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
