Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
