I have demons in me.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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