shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
