im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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