god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Randomize
