omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
