Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.