You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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