Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
