is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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