She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i think i have herpe
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Sext me about skeletons
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.