So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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