I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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