all she had left on were here heels. phone five
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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