btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
