I puked a lego.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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