I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
