You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
