If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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