youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
