My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
