If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
