I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
