I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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