just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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