If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
