i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
