I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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