the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
