I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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