also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
