Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You're like the curious george of whores
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
