There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
