"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
