I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
