dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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