I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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