Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
