Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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