my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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