why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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