I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
My liver just had a heart attack.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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