you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
