I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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