you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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