Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
