Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
