My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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