just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
