turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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