3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
