Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
